My sweet baby girl was having trouble falling asleep for her nap this morning. She’s been a near perfect baby, and when things don’t go effortlessly it’s easy for me to get impatient. To loose sight of the fact that she’s only 10 months old. 10 months old. I’m 26 years old and no where even close to perfect, and probably (definitely) the opposite of easy.
But today, while in the middle of editing wedding photos for work, I held on. I held on to the thought that this tiny, perfect baby needed me. I held onto the fact that I am her entire world. I am so grateful for the moments when my brain is strong enough to beat my psychiatric disorders.
Today I went into her room where she lay crying. Where she’s just started sleeping in her crib, the crib her older sister slept in before her. I picked her up, wrapped her in her favourite blanket – the one with the purple and blue flowers – and I held her. I swayed back and fourth and I sang our favourite song, Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen, into her ear. I stroked her perfectly pudgy little cheek and I kissed her sweet smelling head and I thanked everything under the stars for giving her to me. I thanked everything under the stars for giving this moment to me. Eventually she fell asleep and I stared at her long eyelashes and the little veins in her eyelids and the soft tuft of hair on top of her head.
I sat on the rocking chair in her room and I held her body against mine. She feels so big and so tiny at the same damn time. We sat there and I held her for much longer than I normally do, mostly because her father is home and playing in the snow with her big sister – which is why I got the beautiful luxury that is holding my second baby while she falls asleep. Something I didn’t realize was a luxury when I did it with my firstborn. A luxury that so many people don’t get to experience.
After what felt like hours, although minutes, I stood up and put her in the beautiful crib her grandfather bought 4 years ago – the only piece of furniture we own that I hope lives on after us. Then I walked to my computer, opened up a new post and wrote it all down here, because I never want to forget my experience of heaven at 9:41AM.