It was the middle of the afternoon and the sun was pouring into my living room. I lay on the couch with Mabyn beside me feeling the warmth. “Ahh-bwuuhh, ahh-bwuuhh” is her favourite thing to say right now, she looks at me as she says it and I’m pretty sure she means it as a question. Indie is running around the room covering it with as many brightly coloured plastic toys as possible. Not really playing with them, mostly just pulling them out of the cupboard and dropping them onto the floor.
The flowers my husband bought me for Valentine’s Day are dying in a vase on the shelf in front of me. My basil plant, on the shelf beneath that, is also dying. My dogs keep eating food that doesn’t belong to them, their favourite being the overpriced organic granola bars I buy my 3 year old. I’m tired despite the fact that I fell asleep earlier than normal last night and Indie slept in until 7:15 this morning. When moms are tired I think maybe it just goes all the way into our bones and sets up camp for a few years. My oldest woke up with more energy than my brain can even comprehend. She’s also spent more time watching Llama Llama today than I would like, despite the fact that we also painted, coloured, bathed, played, rested, used her doll house, cooked, ate, play vacuumed and generally just ran around our home like crazy people. My 9 month old cried every time I tried to put her down so I could have two hands to do whatever it was I was doing that moment.
Both of my children are covered in hand, foot, mouth disease. There’s red blisters from their toes to their noses and there’s sticky Polysporin on top of that. It could last up to 10 more days.
It’s chaos. Mayhem. Havoc. Pandemonium.
And, for this moment, it’s also comfort.
I’m with two of my favourite humans, I’m wearing one of my favourite shirts and the light has started to come back to us. Despite everything above, and everything I haven’t listed, and everything that could potentially happen at any given moment, I am so fucking lucky.
This isn’t how I always feel about the chaos. And I am so far from suggesting you find the positive in your own. Your struggles are valid, and life isn’t a competition for who has the shittiest circumstances – you can feel like shit about your situation no matter who has it worse. But I want you to know that I hope at some point in your messiness, you find a moment of comfort too. Just keep holding on until it comes.