Letting Go + Growing Up

For 2018, my word is “me”.
This cool woman I know chooses a word each year, to be sort of the theme of that year. I’ve always loved the idea, and every year I’m curious what her word will be. I’ve never actually done this myself but this year I sort of came across my word accidentally and when it popped into my mind things just clicked.

At the end of a challenging 2017 I decided I wanted to use this year to figure out who I am. As much as one can figure out themselves of course. So half way through January when the random thought about the previous idea popped into my head I was like yeah, “me” should be my word for the year. Not in a selfish way – actually yeah, in a totally selfish way. It’s okay to be selfish with yourself. With self love and acceptance and your life. So I’m going to spend 2018 being totally selfish and working on myself.

I’ve sort of felt very stagnant the last two or so years. Stuck in a rut. Stale. Blah. Not only with myself but with the things I was doing and how I was living. I feel like I was (am) holding onto things from the past a little too hard. It’s sort of like for the longest time I was holding onto these things that defined me as a person and I was scared to let them go because I didn’t know what would be left. The unknown is scary and hard and tells no lies. However, I feel like I’m brave enough now to move on from who I was and grow into who I am at this stage of my life. Is that what growing up is? I don’t know, but I feel like this is what’s right for me now. I’ve become so tired of the pessimistic “I hate people lol” thing everyone is doing. I 100% own up to the fact that I was like that at one point too, and there was a reason for it, but I’m not an angsty teenager anymore. I’m not that person anymore. I don’t think it’s funny or cool or whatever you want to call it. I’m not telling other people to not be like that, if that’s who you are and you like it, you do you! But, I’m going to do me too… once I figure out who that is.

A huge thing for me so far was my ADHD diagnosis. I’m so thankful to have a diagnosis so that I can finally begin to heal myself. When I think back, a lot of my past seems to have stemmed from the fact that I was living undiagnosed for so long. I spent the last 3ish years knowing there was something “wrong” with me, but not knowing what it was. I knew it wasn’t just my anxiety and depression, I knew it was something more. It’s so hard to get yourself help though, especially when all you have to go on is a feeling. This is just proof that you should always trust your gut  instinct. And this is just the beginning of my journey! I’m now armed with tools to keep moving forward.

So in 2018 I want to let go of all the shit I’ve clung to for way too long. I’m letting go of mistakes, abuse, trauma, bad habits and the past in general. I want to embrace the unknown. Change. Vulnerability. Happiness. People. The present.
I’m ready.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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