Body Shaming, Life Struggles and a Reminder That You Can Fucking Do This

AKA a rant I wrote in my phone last night because I was so pissed off I couldn’t sleep

I spent most of 2016 trying to get pregnant with my second baby.
I have PCOS, and with that (for me personally) comes infertility. I have to take drugs to force my body to have a period at a specific time, then take drugs to force my body to ovulate, then attempt to get pregnant.

So for most of 2016 that’s what I was doing. That’s what we were going through as a family, it affected us all. While simultaneously not telling anyone, and trying to get through all the sickness and side effects and negative pregnancy tests. At one point I was so sick from my fertility medicine, my husband had to stay home from work for a week to take care of me. I could barely move, let alone take care of myself, Indie or our pets.

Then in September of 2016 I got pregnant with Mabyn. Almost from the moment I found out my depression came back with a vengeance. It was there to suck out any moments of joy we tried to have for with out second baby. With our first baby. With each other. It was soul crushing. It was consuming. I tried so hard to get through it. I tried so. fucking. hard.
It brought me to my knees.
There were moments when I lay on the floor, screaming inside my head for help.
I didn’t think I would survive.

Then, in May 2017 Mabyn arrived. Pure bliss. Momentary bliss. The PPD came. I struggled every single damn day of 2017. I fought like hell to make it through. The only help I had was through a few friends, and my husband. No one else came. I pulled myself through and I will 100% take that credit.

Now, we are currently 6 days into January 2018. I am almost 8 months post partum. Three days ago my Doctor diagnosed me with ADD. A bomb in itself, and a topic for another day of course. He then started listing the side effects for the drug he was recommending I try out. I’m staring at the side of his face as he rattles on and then he says

“decreased appetite”, as he side eyes me.
“that wouldn’t be a bad thing though.”

I eat twice a day, if I’m lucky. Lunch and dinner. Often I don’t get lunch because Indie is super high maintenance and it just isn’t always possible for me.
Would one meal a day be more acceptable?
Or maybe I should cut it down to once every second day?
Would that please everyone? Obviously because I’m fat I don’t deserve to eat right?

FUCK.THAT.
It’s 2018. 
Lets all mind our own fucking business, ESPECIALLY when it comes to other people’s bodies. I think we’re at the point that everyone should be smart enough to realize we have no fucking clue what is going on in peoples lives, why they are what they are, why they do what they do. Everyone is fighting a battle. Don’t make it worse for people.

To all the beautiful, amazing people that are on the receiving end of bullshit like this. I’m here to remind you not to let these people break you. You are stronger than them. You have been through so much shit, and you can get through this stuff too. Through all the shit in life, there’s these shinny little moments of magic.

They are enough. 
You are enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#bopo #nobodyshame #albertablogger #plussize #plussizeblogger #plussizeandpregnant #bodyshaming #bodyshame #bodypositivity #mommyblogger #momblog #canadianblogger #calgaryblogger #calgary #yyc #alberta #canada #keepgoing #mentalhealth #rant #canadianbopo #alternativemom #life #lifestyleblog #personalblog #mom #lifestruggles #depression #anxiety #ADD #winter #albertawinter

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